8 Huge Mistakes People Make When Trying to Break Free From Porn Addiction
So you’ve gotten to the point where you recognize that porn is getting in the way of you accomplishing your goals. Maybe it’s eating into your work, or it’s affecting your romantic relationships and your ability to be satisfied. Or maybe you just realize you’re always thinking about sex and you want to take back control of your mind.
Whatever the reason, you’ve decided it’s time to rewire your mind for greater focus and clarity. In this article I’ll cover the 8 biggest mistakes people make when trying to break free from compulsive and habitual porn use.
The 8 big mistakes people make when trying to break free from porn:
(This article is focused on porn specifically, but much of it also applies to other digital and behavioral addictions.)
1. Thinking that watching porn makes you a bad person
This possibly causes the most damage, so I’m putting it first. So much of the compulsive nature of porn addiction comes from a deep underlying shame around the fact that we are sexual. Sexuality is one of the most beautiful aspects of human nature. Until you let go of the shame around your sexuality, it will be almost impossible to heal your mind and fix your relationship with porn. Having a desire to watch porn doesn’t make you bad, it simply means you are a sexual being. Our goal is not to cut off our sexuality, but to cultivate a healthier form of it. See if you can make space for your sexuality, give yourself permission to be a sexual person, and it will make the road to recovery much easier.
2. Repressing your emotions and urges
Another huge mistake I see when people try to break free from addiction is trying to repress what they’re feeling. The more we bottle up our emotions, the stronger those emotions become and the more they have power over us. It’s like the monster in those old fairy tales; the more you fight it, the stronger it becomes, but when you give the monster a hug, it becomes small and weak. Instead of repressing emotions, learn how to accept emotions, and feel them, without feeding them. When lust arises, instead of trying to push it away (or compulsively indulging in it by using porn) simply acknowledge it and make space for it. Allow yourself to feel it fully.
3. Using willpower alone to deal with urges
Willpower is a limited resource, and it can only take you so far. Trying to use willpower alone, without any other tools of recovery, is like trying to keep yourself dry from the rain by catching every drop with your hands: eventually you will get overwhelmed and fail. Instead of clenching your teeth and trying to force yourself into better behavior, focus on creating the conditions for recovery, like cultivating healthier relationships, finding meaning in your work, and using behavioral architecture to limit how often you feel triggered.
4. Relying on some quick fix solution
The road to recovery is long for anyone who thinks it will be short, and is much shorter for those who are prepared for a long journey. The truth is, recovery is the work of a lifetime. We will never get the point where we are not tempted to act out in unhealthy ways. Our society is just too full of addictive behaviors and ways to escape. A whole life recovery is more focused on giving you the tools to deal with situations as they arise. You will have to continue to put in the work. The good news is, the more dedicated and disciplined you are, the easier it gets over time.
5. Lying to yourself about how bad it is
Another common mistake I see people making is pretending that their problem is really not that bad when it is. “Everyone watches it, so it can’t be that bad for me, right?”. I will admit that some people might be able to have a healthy relationship to porn. But I would argue that the majority of users tend to underestimate how it’s affecting their life. The problem arises because the effects of porn are both subtle and incremental. They are hard to notice, and build up slowly over time, so it’s difficult to see the effects directly. It’s important to be honest with yourself and how this behavior might be holding you back from what you truly desire in life. The consequences may not be as obvious as they are with alcohol or drug addiction, but with mindfulness you can see the effects. With any form of recovery, self honesty and personal ownership are essential.
6. Not addressing the root issues
A big misconception in the addiction space is that, “If I can just stop doing X, then my life will be better.” The problem with this way of thinking is that X is never the problem itself, it’s the attempt to solve the problem. With any addiction, whether it’s porn, drugs, alcohol or gambling, there is some underlying trauma or unfulfilled need that is not being met that is causing the person to act out. If you try to beat addiction by stopping one behavior, but you don’t address the underlying problem, you will simply switch over to a new addiction. I have seen many men break free from porn only to pick up a food or social media addiction. Trying to break free from porn without addressing the root issues is like trying to build a brick wall with no bricks. It just doesn’t work. Focus on creating the conditions for a life that doesn’t need addiction, rather than just ending a single behavior.
7. Beating yourself up when you relapse
The road to recovery is not linear, and it’s definitely not simple. As with any worthwhile journey, there will be setbacks and difficulties along the way. It’s normal to stumble a few times as you find your way and learn the necessary skills of total life recovery. Relapse is part of that process. If you feel that relapse is a sign of failure, it makes it a difficult path. But if you see relapse and stumbling as part of the process, then when it happens you will be ready to pick yourself back up again. In the famous words of Alfred Pennyworth, “Why do we fall, master Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves up again.”
8. Not asking for help and support
The final mistake I see time and time again is people trying to do this journey alone; not wanting to ask for help and support. Look, I get it. It’s hard enough to ask for help, but to add on to that asking for help about such a sensitive issue can seem impossible. But from what I’ve seen in my work with men around this issue, taking that one courageous step to be vulnerable, to ask for help and support, can make all the difference in healing your life. First, the act of being vulnerable starts to ease the sense of shame, when you realize you are not alone with this problem. And second, it allows you get the accountability you need to see it through the difficult process of breaking free.
If you find yourself wanting to break free from porn addiction, and are looking for support, get in touch with me and ask about my recovery coaching program. If you’re ready to take the next step in your recovery, then ask about a free consultation.
