Breaking free from porn addiction: how to find a safe person to talk to about it

A critical step in recovery from porn addiction is the decision to open up to about your problem to another person. Addiction, particularly with porn and sex, feeds off of isolation, hiding, and secrecy, so choosing to let another person in on this aspect of your life can be incredibly healing, and can set you down the path of recovery.

In fact, this single act of courageous vulnerability alone can be the deciding factor on whether you ultimately break free, or whether your addiction continues.

Not only does sharing your struggle with another person lessen the shame that might be brewing by hiding your addiction, but it also provides an opportunity to ask for help or accountability. In their book The Porn Trap, Wendy and Larry Maltz list this action as their number one step in breaking free, and describe it as an essential in the healing journey.

Knowing how important this step is, you might be wondering how to find a safe person to speak to about your struggles. After all, finding a safe person to open up to about what you might be deeply ashamed of is not easy. In my own life, it took nearly 6 years (and lots of inner work) before I felt comfortable telling another human being that I even watched porn, let alone that I struggled with an addiction to it.

In this article I’d like to share some guidelines on how to find a safe and supportive person. The following reflection questions come from the book The Porn Trap by Wendy and Larry Maltz. I find them to be great questions to ask yourself that might give you some ideas of who could be your supportive person.

Questions to ask yourself to find a safe & supportive listener:

• Who is likely to accept me in spite of my porn problem?
• Whom can I trust not to shame me or condemn me?
• Whom have I been able to confide in previously, with positive results?
• Who does not gossip about others?
• Who has respected confidentiality in the past?
• Who has compassion and sensitivity about personal problems?
• Who is understanding and knowledgeable about addiction and recovery?

If no one you know personally comes to mind as a safe person to talk to, you may want to consider talking with a professional. For example, a therapist, counselor, coach, minister, or chaplain might be good places to start. Ideally someone who has experience with addiction counseling or therapy,

Personally, I find the most important quality you can look for is someone who won’t judge you. The act of revealing your addiction to someone and receiving only compassion, support, and understanding is incredibly healing.

Once you have some ideas about who might be a safe person to open up to, you’ll likely want to take some time asking yourself an additional set of questions about your intention behind disclosing your porn problem.

Here are some additional questions to ask yourself:

• Am I ready to give up porn completely, or do I still want to maintain a relationship with porn?
• Am I asking for accountability, emotional support, or just someone to listen without judgement?
• Why am I disclosing my addiction now?
• How much information do I feel comfortable disclosing to this person?

Finally, when you are ready to tell someone, it can be helpful to plan in advance and prime the person before opening up.

How to prepare for opening up to another person:

• Ask if they have the time and space to listen to something that is hard for you to share.
• Let them know it is hard for you to talk about this because you are worried that people might judge you.
• Let them know what you are looking for (i.e. just listening, accountability, or guidance).
• Let them know you have chosen them because you feel safe with them and respect their opinion.

Remember that it will likely be difficult and uncomfortable experience sharing this aspect of your life. Disclosing your addiction is done not so you can feel good (that may or may not happen) but to set yourself on the path to recovery and freedom.

Addiction, particularly with porn and sex addiction, thrives off of isolation, hiding, and secrecy. By sharing your struggle with another, you open the door to healing.