The 3 Stages of Porn Relapse: How to Stop Before It Becomes Unmanageable

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If we’re going to talk about recovery, we need to discuss the topic of relapse. Relapse is not just a common occurrence in addiction recovery, in some ways, it’s to be expected. Today, we’ll talk about the different stages of relapse, and at the end, I’ll share four simple things you can do to prevent a relapse before you hit the point of no return.

Why is Understanding the Stages of Relapse Important?

Understanding the stages of relapse is crucial because, contrary to popular belief, relapse does not usually happen suddenly or out of the blue. There are often many warning signs, signals, or red flags along the way — all points in the process where you have the opportunity to disengage and stop the slide.

It may feel sudden or out of nowhere, but often this is because of a lack of awareness of the signs of slipping until you are already sliding down the mountain. In order to prevent relapse, it’s much easier if you can pick up on the signs long before it’s too late.

The Three Stages of Relapse

Dr. Steven Melemis, MD, PhD, a researcher in the field of addiction, describes the three stages of relapse: Emotional, Mental, and Physical. He states:

The goal of treatment is to help individuals recognize the early warning signs of relapse and to develop coping skills to prevent relapse early in the process, when the chances of success are greatest.

In this article, I’ll explore his framework and add some thoughts and porn-specific comments on each stage.

1. Emotional

In this stage, people aren’t thinking about using or acting out, but their emotional state is setting them up for relapse down the road. Understanding that addiction is a response strategy to an unfulfilling life, or to trauma or stress, we need to be looking at our emotional state for real recovery.

Some signs of the emotional stage of relapse:

• Bottling up emotions
• Isolating
• Not going to recovery meetings or being in community
• Going to recovery meetings but not sharing
• Focusing on others (people’s problems or how others affect them)
• Poor eating and sleeping habits

The common denominator of emotional relapse is poor self-care. When people exhibit poor self-care and live in emotional relapse long enough, they start to feel uncomfortable in their own skin. They begin to feel restless, irritable, and discontent. As the tension builds, they start to think about using just to escape. This is the inflection point that leads to the transition from emotional relapse to mental relapse. When we start living a life so out of whack, we look for an escape and compulsively reach for the phone, social media, dating apps — anything but being with our own experience of pain or discomfort.

2. Mental

Dr. Melemis describes the second stage like this:

In mental relapse, there is a war going on inside people’s minds. Part of them wants to use, but part of them doesn’t. As individuals go deeper into mental relapse, their cognitive resistance to relapse diminishes and their need for escape increases.

Notice again the tipping point here: our resistance to relapse diminishes, and our need for escape increases. We start to leave the honeymoon stage of recovery and enter the fight-through stage.

Signs of mental relapse include:

• Craving for drugs or alcohol (or in our case, porn)
• Thinking about people, places, and things associated with past use
• Minimizing consequences of past use or glamorizing past use (“It wasn’t that bad, right? Heck, I kinda liked it!”)
• Bargaining (thinking of scenarios in which it would be acceptable to use)
• Lying
• Thinking of schemes to better control using
• Looking for relapse opportunities
• Planning a relapse

This stage of mental relapse is still prior to the physical act of relapse or acting out. This is where we start laying the groundwork for relapse in the mind — planning, bargaining, lying, etc.

A caveat here: It’s important to understand that brief thoughts of using and acting out are normal in early recovery and are not the same as mental relapse. Mental relapse is more of a persistent, relentless thought pattern around using and involves these strategies around planning, bargaining, minimizing, etc. When we live in the mental relapse stage long enough, eventually the wall cracks, like a dam bursting open, and we move into the physical relapse stage.

3. Physical

Physical relapse is when you start using again — acting out with whatever it is that you are trying to recover from, be it porn, gaming, gambling, etc. Dr. Melemis notes that “most physical relapses are relapses of opportunity.” It happens when you feel you can get away with it, when you won’t get caught, leading to bargaining behavior: “I’ll just do it this one time… and then I’ll get back on the wagon tomorrow.”

Preventing Relapse: Four Key Strategies

Preventing relapse requires a proactive approach, especially during the emotional and mental stages. Here are four essential strategies to help you stay on track, with examples to illustrate their practical application.

1. Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness is the practice of being fully present in the moment, aware of your thoughts, feelings, and surroundings without judgment. This heightened awareness can help you recognize when you’re starting to get out of balance and heading towards a relapse.

Example:

Imagine you’ve had a stressful week at work. You notice you’re feeling more irritable and anxious than usual. By practicing mindfulness, you can identify these emotions early. Instead of letting these feelings fester, you might choose to engage in a calming activity, such as meditation, deep breathing exercises, or taking a walk in nature. This conscious effort to address your emotional state can prevent it from escalating into a trigger for relapse.

2. Focus on Self-Care

Self-care involves taking deliberate actions to maintain your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. Good self-care habits can help you build resilience against stress and reduce the likelihood of relapse.

Examples:

• Sleeping well: Poor sleep can make you more vulnerable to stress and cravings. Create a relaxing bedtime routine, such as reading a book or taking a warm bath, to improve your sleep quality.
• Eating healthily: A balanced diet supports your overall health and mood. Avoid excessive sugar and processed foods, which can lead to energy crashes and mood swings. Incorporate whole foods like fruits, vegetables, lean proteins, and whole grains into your meals.
• Regular exercise: Physical activity releases endorphins, which improve your mood and reduce stress. Whether it’s a daily jog, a yoga session, or a team sport, find an exercise routine that you enjoy and stick with it.
• Being in community: Surround yourself with supportive and positive people. Join a support group, attend social gatherings, or engage in community activities. Connection with others can provide emotional support and accountability.
• HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired): Check in with yourself regularly to see if you’re feeling any of these states. Address them promptly. For instance, if you’re hungry, eat a nutritious snack. If you’re lonely, reach out to a friend or family member.

3. When in the Mental Stage

During the mental stage of relapse, it’s crucial to address your thoughts and feelings before they lead to physical relapse. Here are specific actions you can take:

Examples:

• Tell a friend or your community: Sharing your struggles can provide relief and support. For example, if you’re feeling overwhelmed by cravings, call a trusted friend or attend a support group meeting. Talking about your feelings can reduce their intensity and help you gain perspective.
• Reflect on why you started: Remind yourself of the reasons you chose to quit. You might keep a journal where you list the benefits of staying sober and the negative consequences of relapse. Re-reading these entries can strengthen your resolve during tough times.
• Don’t minimize, bargain, or lie: Be honest with yourself about the risks of relapse. For instance, if you find yourself thinking, “One time won’t hurt,” challenge that thought. Remind yourself of past experiences where a single lapse led to a downward spiral. Acknowledge the reality of your situation and stay committed to your recovery plan.

4. Recognize There Is No Hiding This

Understanding that relapse has real consequences can motivate you to stay on track. Both you and your loved ones will notice changes in your behavior, and these changes can affect your relationships and self-esteem.

Examples:

• Your partner will notice: If you relapse, even if you think you’ve hid it well, your partner might notice changes in your mood, behavior, or communication. For example, you might become more withdrawn, irritable, or secretive. This can strain your relationship and erode trust. By staying committed to your recovery, you protect the bond you’ve worked hard to build.
• And so will you: You’ll also be aware of your relapse, and this can impact your self-esteem and confidence. For instance, if you relapse, you might feel guilt, shame, or disappointment in yourself. These feelings can make it harder to bounce back. By recognizing that there’s no hiding from the consequences, you can strengthen your resolve to maintain your recovery.

One last final note. Personally, when I work with clients in my group and in my coaching, I actually in some ways prefer to see them relapse while we’re working together. This is because learning how to get back on track is a skill on its own — a muscle you can and should develop in your recovery.

Consider this: let’s say you start your recovery, you’re going to support groups, working with a coach or therapist, and everything is going smoothly. If you don’t have a single moment of relapse, you might sometimes get overconfident. Later on, when you have no support, a relapse might happen, and you could feel unprepared and not know how to go through the steps to get back on track.

By understanding and implementing these strategies, you can develop the skills and resilience needed to maintain your recovery and prevent relapse long before it becomes unmanageable. Stay strong and stay mindful — you’ve got this.

If you’re looking for support in overcoming porn addiction, please reach out and sign up for a free discovery call at Unhooked Academy.