You Are Not Alone: Understanding Common Humanity in Porn Addiction Recovery
On today’s podcast episode is something that I wish I had heard at the beginning of my recovery journey. It’s something that, if you hear it and really take it in, it will boost your recovery like nothing else. This topic was inspired by a recent coaching call I had with a client. There was a moment on the call that felt so transformative when my client heard and understood this. It’s something that I have seen time and time again, and it was foundational for my own recovery. So, I wanted to talk about this concept today, and that is understanding the very simple fact that you are not alone.
You are not alone
Whatever it is that you are going through, whatever addiction battles you are facing, whatever stress or anxiety or feeling of just being broken, you are not alone. There are other people out there going through the exact same thing, and it is not a personal failing on your part that you are dealing with porn addiction, alcohol addiction, food addiction, body image issues, trouble in your marriage or partnership, or any other difficulty.
The reason this recognition is so powerful is that feeling isolated, feeling like you are the only one dealing with this thing, actually exacerbates addiction. When you are struggling with any kind of addiction, let’s take porn addiction, for example, but it applies to anything else, it’s easy to think that you are the only one. You might think that you are a pervert, that you are broken, that your life is hopeless, that it has been this way since you were young, and that it will always be this way. It’s easy to look around and think that everyone else is normal, that everyone is doing fine, and that nobody else is a weirdo like you.
Alternatively, you might think that if people knew the truth about you, they would think you’re a monster. You might worry that if people really knew what you were into or what you watched, they wouldn’t want you to be around their kids, and that they would think you would attack them or whatever it is. This kind of thinking exacerbates addiction because feeling like you are the only one, feeling like an outcast, is a painful experience.
ISOLATION IS EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY PAINFUL
There is a quote that I love that says, “The worst cruelty that can be inflicted on a human being is isolation.” We are social creatures; we evolved in tribes and communities, and being an outcast, being left out or pushed out of the tribe meant being without the protection of our tribe or community. So there’s a reason why feeling alone or feeling like an outcast is so painful, it’s an evolutionary response to keep us connected to the tribe.
A side note here, just a interesing neurological thing, is that emotional pain triggers the same neurological pathways as physical pain, the same neural network of emotional pain that is involved in physical pain. This is why being hurt emotionally actually physically hurts. When we are sad or feeling dejected, it is actually painful in the same way that getting punched or getting a cut is painful. One interesting thing is that taking a painkiller actually helps with emotional pain. It’s very strange, but this is the way we’re hardwired.
So when we feel this sense of isolation, like we’re the only one, one of the things that happens is that we want to avoid that pain. We want to avoid the pain of isolation and loneliness, and so we seek to escape that pain. We act out, we use porn or junk food or video games. We distract ourselves, we feed into it, and then acting out again leads to more of the feeling of shame and isolation. The cycle repeats, and it gets worse. Shame and isolation lead to wanting to escape and lead to acting out, which leads to more shame and isolation. So we act out again. It’s a downward spiral
To combat this, we need to realize the truth that we are not alone, because here’s the truth: you are not alone. It doesn’t matter what you’re going through. I guarantee that someone else has gone through the same thing. So many people struggle with porn. If you are listening, just know that you are one of millions or billions of men who have an unhealthy relationship to porn and want to improve their relationship to it.
UNDERSTANDING COMMON HUMANITY
This recognition that you’re not alone is what Kristen Neff calls “common humanity”. Kristen Neff is one of the world’s leading researchers in self-compassion, and common humanity is one of the core components of self-compassion. It’s about recognizing that whatever you’re going through, others are going through it too.
If you want to cultivate genuine self-compassion, you have to recognize, “hey, this is part of being human”. If I’m going through sadness, that is part of the human experience. What I want to talk about is a few very important reasons that connecting to common humanity can help you in your life.
1. COMMON HUMANITY RELEASES THE SHAME AND MISCONCEPTION OF BEING UNIQUELY BROKEN OR FLAWED
When you see that you’re not the only one that’s dealing with it, you start to realize, “oh, okay. I’m not just uniquely flawed in this way. I’m not broken, but this is just a natural consequence of being in the situation that I’m in”. Sometimes I like to talk about how, if you’re addicted to porn, it’s like being a hungry kid in a candy store. When we’re dealing with pain then we look for something to soothe our pain. Of course we’re going to reach out to something as pleasurable and numbing as porn. I talked about this on another episode, but there is something known as the three A’s of porn addiction: accessibility, affordability, and anonymity. It’s highly accessible, you can get it anywhere on your phone, it’s affordable, so it doesn’t cost anything, and it’s anonymous, so you can do it without anybody knowing. Of course, it’s going to be the drug of choice for many people. You don’t have to pay for it, there’s infinite variety, and you can get it anywhere. Understanding that you’re not uniquely broken, you’re not flawed, you’re not just a creepy pervert. It’s like, “hey, this is because of the causes and conditions in my life”. That is the first reason why connecting with the truth of common humanity is so important.
2. COMMON HUMANITY CAN INSPIRE YOU, GIVE YOU HOPE, AND REMIND YOU OF WHAT’S POSSIBLE
The second reason is even more powerful, which is that when you recognize that you’re not alone and that there are other people out there who are dealing with this issue and working on themselves, it can inspire you. When you see that there are others who have been where you are and they made it through to the other side, you know that it gives you hope that recovery is possible. If you think you are the only one who has ever been in this situation, you’re the only one who’s addicted to porn, and you’re uniquely flawed, of course, you’re not gonna think that it’s possible to recover because you have no examples of other people breaking free.
But when you recognize, “Hey, there are other people who have gone through this, and look, those people made it through, and they’ve improved their life and they’re free from addiction. So maybe I can do it too.” So it just gives you that sense of hope that change is possible. That’s one of the big struggles for so many people is that sense of hopelessness: “I’ve always been this way, and it’s never gonna change.” When you see someone else who has always been that way for them and they’ve been able to change, that reasoning kind of falls apart.
The other reason that this is helpful is that it can remind you of the benefits of breaking free from your addiction, which helps with motivation. When you hear or read about these case studies, when you read books, and see a story of someone who has broken free, and you see like, “Oh, wow, their relationships improve. Their sense of confidence is improving. Their focus, their sex life. All of these things are getting better, and all of their problems are going away. You know, their brain fog goes away, their lack of energy goes away. They’re sleeping better.” It inspires you to keep up the dedication and the discipline. So if you are feeling a lack of motivation, it helps to read read stories of other people who have been where you are.
3. COMMON HUMANITY CONNECTS YOU TO OTHERS AND TO COMMUNITY
The final reason why Common Humanity is powerful is that it connects you to a community of people; it connects you to a tribe or a movement. Rather than being a lone individual struggling with this issue in the desert, you are surrounded by brothers who are fighting the same fight — a movement of men who are breaking free from this addiction and cultivating a better life. So, instantly it goes from just feeling alone and isolated to feeling like you’re part of a community, a tribe of men who are cultivating self-awareness, self-discipline, and self-mastery and saying, “this is not how I want to live, this is not my best life”. That is why I really think that this is so important; it’s about recognizing that you are not alone, you are part of a movement of people who are recognizing that this thing that is so common in our society is not talked about, but should be. It’s just kind of assumed that everybody watches porn and that it’s normal. But you are one of the rare people who is actually taking steps to move against the stream and to live from a place of greater integrity, to live a value-driven life. You are not just following society and buying into the mass culture of porn, easy sex, junk food, and distraction. You are part of this movement, and I hope you recognize that and use it as motivation to keep walking down this path, as difficult as it may be, and as many times as you stumble. Just recognize, “hey, I’m not alone here”.
I am honestly so proud of you for continuing to work on yourself, for listening to podcasts like this, and for making yourself better. It is something that you should be proud of as well.
So, that’s it for today. I hope that this has helped you. I hope that it really reaches deep within you because it’s one thing to hear that you’re not alone, and it’s another thing to really take it in and feel it on that deep level. So, I hope that maybe not today, but perhaps tomorrow or the next day, you know, this really touches you, and you truly grasp it.
As always, if you’re interested in getting support and working with me, definitely reach out and sign up for a free discovery call.
Much love,
Jeremy
